I see 3 missed calls on my phone. I know he has been trying to talk to me since morning. It’s now afternoon. I haven’t replied back to his questions – Yes or No.
I know he is eager to know. He expects me to say Yes.. and then his whole world will become bright and will start shining. I know how precious I am for him. He just wants me.
I am trying to postpone the decision. To say No – there is nothing wrong in him and to say Yes – I am yet not up to it (I wish he could understand it). But when am I going to get up to it – I don’t know. It’s not actually penetrating up to the depth of my heart. It comes up to the surface and remains there. Doesn’t actually reach to the point.
Now the 4th missed call. I know he is deadly optimistic. Why do I say no to him? How can I break his heart and how can I hurt him? Somebody who is so simple yet have dignity and success in hand. Yes, he is nice but what’s next? I can’t say Yes. Then I feel – why do anybody so much so bother about my answer as in YES or NO? I know it will hurt him and that’s the only thing stops me to say No. Why does anybody get hurt on my answer? Why does anyone want me in his life? Why do people expect something from the others?
I keep on thinking the same thing again and again. Has anyone clicked to me ever till now? No. Is anyone going to click? I don’t know. All is blank. I have no idea what I am doing. But what about feelings? I am not feeling that depth… that feeling of giving, of loving and get loved, touched. Have I become stone? Are there feelings remained in me? Then how can I hurt anybody? But how can I say yes to someone out of sympathy?
Now this is 5th call. In all since morning I know its 15th call. I am counting and finding the courage to hurt him. Hurt him to the very point where the emotional outburst will happen.
Now I receive this call –
I know he is eager to know. He expects me to say Yes.. and then his whole world will become bright and will start shining. I know how precious I am for him. He just wants me.
I am trying to postpone the decision. To say No – there is nothing wrong in him and to say Yes – I am yet not up to it (I wish he could understand it). But when am I going to get up to it – I don’t know. It’s not actually penetrating up to the depth of my heart. It comes up to the surface and remains there. Doesn’t actually reach to the point.
Now the 4th missed call. I know he is deadly optimistic. Why do I say no to him? How can I break his heart and how can I hurt him? Somebody who is so simple yet have dignity and success in hand. Yes, he is nice but what’s next? I can’t say Yes. Then I feel – why do anybody so much so bother about my answer as in YES or NO? I know it will hurt him and that’s the only thing stops me to say No. Why does anybody get hurt on my answer? Why does anyone want me in his life? Why do people expect something from the others?
I keep on thinking the same thing again and again. Has anyone clicked to me ever till now? No. Is anyone going to click? I don’t know. All is blank. I have no idea what I am doing. But what about feelings? I am not feeling that depth… that feeling of giving, of loving and get loved, touched. Have I become stone? Are there feelings remained in me? Then how can I hurt anybody? But how can I say yes to someone out of sympathy?
Now this is 5th call. In all since morning I know its 15th call. I am counting and finding the courage to hurt him. Hurt him to the very point where the emotional outburst will happen.
Now I receive this call –
He - “ Hi, I have been calling you and sending you messages since morning. How are you doing today?”
Me – “ I am fine. Yes I saw all your messages and missed calls. I was busy. Hope that the things are fine with you”
He – “Yes. Its just that I felt to ask you, it’s the day you said you will give me your answer. I am optimistic (why does he want to say this every time?). I am eagerly waiting for your answer. (that I know).”
Me – “ Actually its that, you are so simple and nice guy. You have all the qualities that a gal looks for in a guy.”
He – “ Thank you dear.. I was waiting for this….”
Me – “ But….. You are not the person I am searching for.”
He – “ Tell me what is it that’s lacking in me.”
Me – “ No, Nothing actually.”
He – “ Then why so? Can’t you think again on these lines? You justify the reason and I will leave.”
Me – “ You haven’t clicked to me”
He – “ To live your life a click is not important. You need understanding – I think I can understand you. To live life – it’s not a click but money that is important. I think I can provide it to you. I can give you love, affection, care, sincerity & dignity. What can you give me?”
Me – “ that’s the only problem I have nothing to give you. I can provide you affection but not love. I can provide you sincerity but not dignity. Please try and understand, you are not the one I am searching for. I can’t explain you what I am searching in my partner cause if I explain – you will compare all the explanation with yourself, which I don’t want. Try and understand – it’s No and that’s all”.
He – “ Okay, I will always be there to help you. Call me anytime and you will find my support to you in any given consequences. Though nothing – but please lets be friends always.”
Me – “ Yes. Sure – you are really a nice guy.”
I hear the voice of heart break. I hear the small cry on the other end of telephone. I am dry… I am paralyzed. I have hurt yet another person. At the same time I know – I am also hurt. The way it’s not simple to digest No, it’s not simple even to say No. I am sorry for him. I have no idea what have I done. Whether the decision is right or wrong…
I stop for a while. Search for the justification. I am in guilt state. I know, something is breaking even in me. I am paralyzed for 5 minutes. I still feel the pain that I have given him. I say in a loud – Life goes on. He says there – lets start with a new aspect.
Mom calls in – “ Hello. Can you talk for sometime on telephone or you are busy?”
Me – “ No mumma, I was just doing nothing. Tell me”
Mom – “ This guy is coming to see you …………..”
PS : This post is not a real life experience. This story is fictitious and its resemblance to any person living or dead is purely by coincidence. It’s of no intentions to hurt anybody but just an expression of thought process that one might experience while going through Arrange Marriage Process.
3 comments:
lovely post... for starters, your language has improved immensely... two, i envy your ability to sketch a straight narrative without faltering... three, the treatment of subjectivity is great... four, hope your search ends soon... all the best
hmm ...nice post...I feel guys may need to read it this post may reduce their pain they might have got in the past from a "No" they received
of course a girl sometimes gets a "No" (if at she takes the initiative and propose a guy). But for a girl it may be only the "broken love" that hurts (i guess) but for a guy it's love and the ego as "i lack something" if again in life he gets somebody who loves him then he may get his confidence back else he can get into inferiority complex. If the girl is really friendly with him then can better take it on herself like "i am alredy engaged / my family wont allow me for this etc." I know you'll say "why to lie ?" but again as you could neither explain him why exactly you said him "No" at least this "lie" will prevent him from loosing the confidence.
But why all this happens.. ? sometimes I think we've tied ourselves to certain values which are not natural ...
We always think or rather we're tought to think that there is or should be "someone special" ..."THE ONLY ONE"....but is't true? can we be happy with only ONE person ? isnt it that we can have nice time with so many different people... why cant we have many people playing their role in our life and no " SPECIAL ONE" at all...
I think we can be more happy and also always away from heart breaks if we throw away the conecpt of "SOMEONE SPECIAL"
then a guy wont propose a girl,then a girl wont have to say "no" , the heart will never break, neither she'll have to suffer the pain in saying "NO"...no marriages too...
Hey, nice post!
Relations are very vital for Humans, some of them are redundant whereas some are very important. True relations are build on true bondings of friendship and love.
I would like to share one thing, before deciding a life partner, or coming on a rejection, just close your eyes and hear your inner voice which would surely tell you the truth whether your mind is still searching for the right person or the one is right in front of you..
- Rutu.
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