Lost Horizon...

Kabhee haadasonkee dagar meele, kabhee mushkeelonka safar meele
Ye cheerag ho meree raah ke, mujhe MANJEELONKI talaash hai……

Koi ho safar me jo saath de, mai hun jaha koi haath de
Meree Manjeele abhee door hai, mujhe raastonkee talaash hai…..


All I have to say today is that I am lost in the clouds. I try to call upon somebody and every time I get my own echo back to me.

Life has become very smooth. No challenges, nothing new. The job is some how ok but it is not where I want to be.

Dreams to do something in life, to fly, to achieve the heights. Working hard to fulfill them. Life is a journey, once u achieve the goal; it no way remains your destination n you look ahead to achieve something else. How funny!!

Today when I look back to see what all have I achieved in life and where do I stand in the competition I feel empty… Nothing has been done n yet miles to go to achieve the dreams.

I dreamt of building a house for my parents for they had lost all their charming days of young age in working hard n feeding us. I wanted them to live happily. No one would have done anything for them but I had to do many things. Today when I have purchased a home for them, I feel they deserve better than what I have given them.
My dreams were very small when I was there in 7th standard, living life in a village – Rather I had no dreams but then I was very close to nature. The farms there and trees and the people. I remember I lived the life at its length then. And then the drastic change happened, we came to a bigger city for education and I saw people achieving something or other in their lives. I wanted to become one of them. I wanted to enter into this competition.
Slowly I started working. I used to see students of my age enjoying their lives and I used to tell myself that not now, this is the time to work for me but I will cope up with the situations and one day or the other I too will enjoy the life with all the charm and quality lifestyle. I do remember going home walking because I had eaten WADA PAAV. A price to pay for even the smallest of luxury. Still, I was happy as I knew that there is the destination where I have to reach n I was trying hard to achieve it.

After completing the graduation, I decided to go for an MBA. Now a days during an interview, people ask me as to why did I go for an MBA instead of an MCA as I have completed B.Sc. in Comp. Sci. and I reply stating that I knew I had the skills for marketing. But there was another reason for it, which I considered more important then and it was – for MBA it takes only 2 yrs and for MCA it takes 3 years and I had to choose the one which will pay me back earlier!! J
Somehow, those were then, but I was really happy for whatever the compromises I had to make and whatever the difficulties I had to face. Looking back I feel contended. I remember recently somebody had commented that my life lacks the spice. And well, for that I had no answer. Does it mean to be romantic? Or does it mean going to pub or clubs to enjoy your life? Or does it mean to talk about the latest fashion, lifestyles etc… I have no idea!!!

But today, I am feeling as if I have lost the path. I don’t want to stay where I am and I am all blank for what I should do now to go ahead. This is not my destination definitely but then what is to be done next – LOST. This empty feeling is killing me like anything… I am tired and lost. Trying to search a meaning of life. I have traveled this far but yet miles to go… but where do I want to go really?

I read books and try to cope up with this empty feeling, I go out n try to get rid of this empty feeling, I interact with people and try to forget this empty feeling but anyway, it is still following me like a shadow. Is this a lonely feeling? Or is this just because I am not satisfied for whatever I have achieved and not able to find out my next destination? Can anybody answer me…. Is there anybody who has gone through this phase earlier?

I guess im down
and i wear this frown
its times like this
that i feel id rather miss

i have what many would want
but deep inside
it feels empty
why do i snap?
why do i cry?
im not like this
is it a lie?

Snap out of it i tell myself
you know you are better
dont degrade yourself
these feelings are my own
lock them away
away in my home
and thats where they will stay


.
.
.
Hold me to your willing heart
And let me - help me - weep
That I of need might fall apart
And then at last might sleep...