First Rain & the Green Carpet.

Watched a movie yesterday – Taare Zameen Par...

It was a nice movie. Little stretched in the first half. Otherwise everything about it was touching. Another thing – in every scene even though it was not required, you can see Aamir Khan’s watery eyes.

A friend, philosopher & guide.... I kept on thinking on these lines after watching movie. Everyone needs a source of inspiration. Yes, anything can inspire anybody. But you are always in search of a third person with whom you can talk on friendly level and at the same time get guidance from him for the right path while taking decisions n travelling the journey called life.

I am always amazed of thinking one thing – I see dreams but never have seen my own face in my dreams... true... We need somebody who can become third person in our lives n guide us about what is wrong n what is right. But you never know at what time you need this third person in your life.. Sometimes when you are too young deciding on your career path, life partner etc etc. Sometimes after marriage while adjusting with the new family when he/she realises that he has lost his identity entirely and gets stuck... or else when you are a child, trying to learn to cope up with the normal norms of the world... you want somebody to understand you but when you try to find somebody around – you find nobody....
Aamir has played this role of a friend, philosopher & guide in the movie. You blossom, you actually feel like a bird in the presence of this person. Your confidence rises, you feel valued and feel as if somebody is there who believes in me and in my abilities.... the feeling itself makes you to perform your best.

I remember one of my friends used to tell me “ I wonder how this happens during rainy season.. grass automatically grows around the corner of roads and travels parallel and further joins to hills n mountains... It’s always like all of a sudden a new entity has been materialized out of nowhere”

Today I feel – does a rain drop work as a friend, philosopher & guide for small grass seeds? During whose presence grass grows n creates its entity.....

Hamlet, Me & the 'X' Factor.

I see 3 missed calls on my phone. I know he has been trying to talk to me since morning. It’s now afternoon. I haven’t replied back to his questions – Yes or No.

I know he is eager to know. He expects me to say Yes.. and then his whole world will become bright and will start shining. I know how precious I am for him. He just wants me.

I am trying to postpone the decision. To say No – there is nothing wrong in him and to say Yes – I am yet not up to it (I wish he could understand it). But when am I going to get up to it – I don’t know. It’s not actually penetrating up to the depth of my heart. It comes up to the surface and remains there. Doesn’t actually reach to the point.

Now the 4th missed call. I know he is deadly optimistic. Why do I say no to him? How can I break his heart and how can I hurt him? Somebody who is so simple yet have dignity and success in hand. Yes, he is nice but what’s next? I can’t say Yes. Then I feel – why do anybody so much so bother about my answer as in YES or NO? I know it will hurt him and that’s the only thing stops me to say No. Why does anybody get hurt on my answer? Why does anyone want me in his life? Why do people expect something from the others?
I keep on thinking the same thing again and again. Has anyone clicked to me ever till now? No. Is anyone going to click? I don’t know. All is blank. I have no idea what I am doing. But what about feelings? I am not feeling that depth… that feeling of giving, of loving and get loved, touched. Have I become stone? Are there feelings remained in me? Then how can I hurt anybody? But how can I say yes to someone out of sympathy?

Now this is 5th call. In all since morning I know its 15th call. I am counting and finding the courage to hurt him. Hurt him to the very point where the emotional outburst will happen.

Now I receive this call –

He - “ Hi, I have been calling you and sending you messages since morning. How are you doing today?”

Me – “ I am fine. Yes I saw all your messages and missed calls. I was busy. Hope that the things are fine with you”

He – “Yes. Its just that I felt to ask you, it’s the day you said you will give me your answer. I am optimistic (why does he want to say this every time?). I am eagerly waiting for your answer. (that I know).”

Me – “ Actually its that, you are so simple and nice guy. You have all the qualities that a gal looks for in a guy.”

He – “ Thank you dear.. I was waiting for this….”

Me – “ But….. You are not the person I am searching for.”

He – “ Tell me what is it that’s lacking in me.”

Me – “ No, Nothing actually.”

He – “ Then why so? Can’t you think again on these lines? You justify the reason and I will leave.”

Me – “ You haven’t clicked to me”

He – “ To live your life a click is not important. You need understanding – I think I can understand you. To live life – it’s not a click but money that is important. I think I can provide it to you. I can give you love, affection, care, sincerity & dignity. What can you give me?”

Me – “ that’s the only problem I have nothing to give you. I can provide you affection but not love. I can provide you sincerity but not dignity. Please try and understand, you are not the one I am searching for. I can’t explain you what I am searching in my partner cause if I explain – you will compare all the explanation with yourself, which I don’t want. Try and understand – it’s No and that’s all”.

He – “ Okay, I will always be there to help you. Call me anytime and you will find my support to you in any given consequences. Though nothing – but please lets be friends always.”
Me – “ Yes. Sure – you are really a nice guy.”

I hear the voice of heart break. I hear the small cry on the other end of telephone. I am dry… I am paralyzed. I have hurt yet another person. At the same time I know – I am also hurt. The way it’s not simple to digest No, it’s not simple even to say No. I am sorry for him. I have no idea what have I done. Whether the decision is right or wrong…

I stop for a while. Search for the justification. I am in guilt state. I know, something is breaking even in me. I am paralyzed for 5 minutes. I still feel the pain that I have given him. I say in a loud – Life goes on. He says there – lets start with a new aspect.

Mom calls in – “ Hello. Can you talk for sometime on telephone or you are busy?”

Me – “ No mumma, I was just doing nothing. Tell me”

Mom – “ This guy is coming to see you …………..”

PS : This post is not a real life experience. This story is fictitious and its resemblance to any person living or dead is purely by coincidence. It’s of no intentions to hurt anybody but just an expression of thought process that one might experience while going through Arrange Marriage Process.